Sick Days

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

It's the season for colds, flu, and the stomach bug. Everyone seems to be reminding us to get a flu shot, wash our hands, cover our sneezes, take probiotics, and do everything we can to prevent spreading germs and getting sick. And, of course, these steps are important and beneficial. But the fact is, because we have children (who don't have the best germ-avoiding habits) and busy households, we simply won't be able to avoid all the germs this winter.

The idea that a complete avoidance of sickness may even be possible is best suited to the childless and those who can somehow isolate themselves this winter. Recently such a person informed my husband that he had only taken one sick day off of teaching in the last fifteen years. Ironically, my husband had the stomach bug the previous week. If you get vomited on by a distressed toddler every two hours for a whole night, it's pretty hard to avoid getting sick. As parents of six, including little ones, we get sneezed on, coughed on, vomited on, etc. with some frequency.

While trying to minimize the spread of germs and preventing illness in the household is a worthwhile pursuit to be incorporated into our lifestyle, there is also something to be said for expecting the sickness of our children and ourselves, embracing that, and serving the sick with generosity. Protecting one's health can allow one to serve God with energy. But the inability to prevent illness in our home can also allow us to serve God.

Let us remember that visiting the sick is one of the seven corporal works of mercy recognized by our Church as a particular way of doing God's will. In our tradition, we have many wonderful saints who dedicated their lives to caring for the sick, especially those who were ostracized because of their illness. The Church began hospitals to care for the sick who were unable to attain adequate care. One sociologist has suggested that the Church flourished when Christians cared for each other, rather than isolating themselves and ignoring the needy, in the midst of plagues. There are also many saints recognized for embracing their own illness, seeing it as an opportunity to grow closer to God by uniting their suffering to Christ's cross. And even now, many Catholic organizations and religious orders seek to provide care for the sick.

Despite this positive view of embracing sickness and care for the sick, there is a certain normal trepidation when a child comes home from school with the news that his classmate vomited next to him in school that morning or when a child lets you know that nine of 17 students were absent due to flu. As much as we might recognize the good of embracing the cross through our own and our children's sickness, we also know that this will throw off our schedule - the pressing deadlines, the regular commitments, etc. We can anticipate additional loads of laundry, trying to fit in trips to the pediatrician or urgent care, missing out on fun events we've planned, and trying to nurse everyone back to health, often while also actually being sick ourselves.

It's not easy, and it's not fun. If we approach it merely with a spirit of resignation to our duty, that is completely understandable. And if our kids watch a little more television than normal in that extra-long month of February, no one can really blame us. This aspect of parenting was not something we sought out when we dreamed of having children in our lives. We never laid awake at night envisioning scrubbing the carpet with paper towels and disinfecting wipes or imagining rearranging our busy day in order to get a strep or flu test for our children.

And yet, the fact that we would not choose caring for the sick or being sick ourselves is precisely why this becomes such a great opportunity for us. When we are physically exhausted, yet not able to have a "sick day," we may perform our tasks with resignation rather than enthusiasm. But that is a beautiful thing; the human body is amazing. Even tired and weak, we can and will provide for the needs of our children. We may be grumpy, but we will not abandon them. Sometimes uniting ourselves to Christ and his cross means struggling up that hill to Calvary, barely able to move but doing it anyway because we must.

Even when we are not ourselves sick, it's understandable not to be cheerful about a child's 103 temperature or being homebound when we have errands to run. Sickness can be sanctifying, but we don't choose it for our children, nor do we desire the disruption in our own lives. Yet this is a great opportunity for us to die to ourselves and our own plans and ambitions, and to focus on what God is calling us to at that moment. Our compassion, generosity, and calm concern can also become a great witness to our children about the Christian life. Neglecting our household tasks to spend the day holding a sick toddler is just as much a way of doing God's will as the dishes, and sometimes, this is precisely God's will for us at the moment: to live in the mess, extending his love and charity to those who are suffering in our own home.

If we can see the value of caring for the sick and accepting our own sickness, then we should also be able to extend our concern for others around us who are suffering. We know that this is the season for illness, and sometimes we know that our friends are in need. Many people go far out of their way to avoid those who are sick, but, as Christians, we should make efforts to go out of our way to help those who are sick, even beyond our own houses. (With exceptions, of course, for those who are already immune-compromised or have serious reason to avoid sickness.) We can offer to drop off some Gatorade or Tylenol, stop by the bakery to bring fresh-baked bread, deliver a flower bouquet, or make some homemade soup for those we know are sick. If we are truly concerned about introducing sickness to our own home, it's easy to leave such care packages outside someone's front door. We shouldn't let the modern inclination purposely to avoid those who are sick become our own perspective. The germy winter months can seem long and miserable, but we can still make good come of them with a spirit of Christian generosity and willingness to embrace the cross.

Dos and Don'ts of Supporting Stressed Parents

This blog was started with two ideas in mind. First, parenting in modern America is difficult for many people. Second, for those who take a Catholic perspective of suffering, this difficulty can be fruitful at the supernatural level, helping parents to grow in holiness. Now, of course, not everyone takes such a perspective regarding the challenges of parenting. And, in fact, even those of us who believe in the concept of parenting mortification often still find parenting to be overwhelming at times…and we find ourselves falling short of the ideal of dying to self and living for God. This should give us the sympathy needed to interact with other parents who are also having a hard time with challenges of parenting.

With that in mind, here are a few ideas for interacting with those who are struggling with parenting. Sadly, most of the unhelpful responses are examples I've actually witnessed! But, on the other hand, the charitable responses are also real examples I've witnessed. We can support parents if we are willing to try!

DO sympathize and DO commend.  Many times when a parent voices a complaint, the parent wants someone to listen kindly, to assure them that many people have this struggle, and to affirm the parent in his or her efforts.

Example 1.

Stressed parent (hereafter SP): “The baby has been congested and he’s teething…my husband was away for work, and I feel like I haven’t slept well in weeks! With the toddler around too, I don’t even have time for a shower!”

Charitable response (hereafter CR): “Oh my gosh, that is so stressful! The kids look really happy, too…you must be doing a good job staying positive with them.”

Example 2.

SP: “The house is winning the battle. I just cannot keep it clean. If I take time to unload the dishwasher, the twins pull all the books off the shelves while I’m doing it. I put in a load of laundry and when I’m done I look over to find toys dumped out of the toybox all over the floor.”

CR: “Yes, they are really at a tough age for that. They’re big enough to make messes, but not really able to help clean them up. It must be really hard for you…I know you prefer to keep things neat.”

DON’T offer unsolicited solutions. Given that many parents are looking for understanding, sympathy, and encouragement, suggested solutions can come as a slap in the face. They can imply (or sometimes outright state) that a parent caused a particular problem or that a parent could easily solve the problem if only the parent were willing to make the effort. Moreover, unless the person giving the advice knows the situation really well, he or she is unlikely to offer advice that will become a permanent solution. On the other hand, it's perfectly OK to volunteer some ideas if someone is explicitly asking for solutions to a problem.

Example 1.

 SP: “It’s like I don’t even have time to eat! Trying to get all these kids food (and they are always hungry!), plus trying to keep up on the housework, and then with nursing the baby I am so hungry I get shaky by the time I can actually get myself some food (after serving everyone else).”

Unhelpful response (UR):  “Sounds like you need to learn how to make some Greek yogurt. It’s really easy to do and so healthy. It’d help you get through those tough moments.”

[What this stressed parent does NOT need is someone making her feel bad that she doesn’t make her own Greek yogurt. She’s already overwhelmed!]

Example 2.

SP: “The food budget is crazy these days! I never imagined how much those kids could eat when they got a little older.”

UR: “Well, the solution to this is easy: stop having kids.”

[OK…this is rude. And it also doesn’t solve the problem.]

Example 3.

SP: "The play room is just ruining my life. We have too much stuff and can never find anything. I love how you have your play room organized. Do you think you could help me figure out how to get some structure to it so the kids can maintain it better?"

CR: "I'd be glad to help you with that project. I think the first thing to do is to minimize the toys and replace the toybox with some shelves. I actually have some shelves I could give you...when do you want me to come over so we can get this project done?"

DON’T criticize. While proposing solutions is often well-intended if not well-thought-out, direct criticism is not either. It does more to embitter parents than to help them.

Example 1.

SP: “We really wanted to postpone pregnancy because my husband is being deployed and I live so far away from family. Plus we planned to save up some money so some day we can buy a house. I thought if we used NFP, playing by God’s rules, that we wouldn’t end up in this situation of being pregnant before we were ready.”

UR: “NFP is 99% effective. You obviously used it wrong. What did you expect?”

[The SP in this situation is obviously feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she did misunderstand how the fertility signs or charting works, but this response is not going to assist her in dealing with the situation at hand.]

Example 2.

SP: “Sorry about the kids’ behavior right now. It’s so hard to watch them for a whole weekend without my wife. By the end, I just have no patience.”

UR: “Well, I can see that! And maybe it’s your impatience that results in them being so loud. One would think the only thing they know how to do is fight over Legos!”

[The SP here already recognizes he’s in a less-than-ideal situation, and he recognizes his own failing in the situation too. No need to rub it in his face.]

DON’T announce that you’ve never had this problem.

Example 1.

SP: “Taking the kids to Church on Sunday has become such a trial! They’re normal kids, and they can be quiet at home, but it’s like the minute we walk through those doors they become crazy monkeys! There’s no way we can concentrate. All we want to do is make it through the Mass without being totally humiliated, you know?”

UR: “Hmmm…not really. My kids always sat quietly at Mass, but then, we practiced that at home and set a good example for them ourselves. Plus they were all such early readers that they were following along in the missal before they were five years old.”

[“But for the grace of God, there go I.” No need to make a parent feel bad for having problems you don’t.]

Example 2.

SP: “I never imagined that potty-training would be so difficult. All day long I’m cleaning out underwear in the toilet…and this is going on three months!”

UR: “Funny. My two boys potty-trained themselves around 20 months. I think parents tend to exaggerate the difficulty of potty-training.”

[If you know nothing about it, at least be polite.]

DO bring food or offer other help. American parenting is particularly challenging because we have so little help from others. The extended family system, which once could help out a young family, is no longer in place. We tend not to hire much help in the form of nannies or maids. What we do have left is kind, caring people, who are willing to inconvenience themselves a bit to make the lives of other people a bit better. We should be this kind of people.

Example 1.

SP: “I try to plan dinner ahead of time and get a head start on it when I can. But I feel like it usually ends up with a crying baby, a nagging toddler, and two kids needing help with homework while I’m trying to throw together a meal. It feels so impossible.”

CR: “This sounds really tough. I’ll bring you dinner on Thursdays for the next month. Maybe that will ease the burden a bit.”

Example 2.

SP: “I have all these phone calls to make, and I try to do them when the kids are all playing happily, but as soon as I pick up the phone, they start fighting and screaming. It’s so embarrassing that I end up procrastinating taking care of some important calls I need to make.”

CR: “I can totally help you out with this. When’s a good time for me to come by for a couple hours to play with the kids? I could do tomorrow morning or Wednesday afternoon.”

Example 3.

SP: “I’m so sick and tired. I just need to rest.”

CR: “In that case, could your daughter come over for a play date this afternoon? We can pick her up and drop her off when you’ve had a good nap.”

Example 4.

SP: “Pulling a sleeping baby out of the cozy crib just to bundle him up and put him in the car to get his sister from school is stressful! It always makes me a little sad.”

CR: “I have to pick up my son anyway. Can I get your daughter too? I’d be happy to pick her up for you and bring her to your house. Just make sure I’m on your pick-up list and the teacher knows.”

Of course, DO pray for them.  It’s great if you can do this the moment you recognize that someone is struggling; any simple prayer, in your own words or an Our Father or Hail Mary is great. A more substantial prayer, such as a Rosary is also a good idea.

And, related to this, DO offer mortifications for them. Voluntary mortifications can be done simply for our own spiritual benefit and discipline or in reparation for our own sins. But if you know someone is having a really hard time with something, you can also choose to do a voluntary mortification for their situation. For example, offer a cold shower for parents whose son has a serious health problem. Give up sweets as a prayer for a newborn who isn’t latching and nursing well. Sometimes these intentional sacrifices magnify the prayers because they are regular reminders of the other person's parenting difficulties.

Also DO talk to others about them if it will help, but DON’T make them into gossip. It can be good to get others praying for someone in need or helping parents going through a difficult time.

Example 1.

CR: “I was wondering if you’d be willing to join our schedule of people bringing meals to the Smith family. Her mother just died, and she’s in charge of all the funeral arrangements, on top of her work and family life. It’s going to be a hard few weeks for them.”

UR: “Did you see the Smith family at soccer practice yesterday? Those kids were totally out of control. I heard her mother died recently and she’s in charge of all the funeral arrangements, plus she couldn’t get out of a work project she’s doing right now. Poor thing – no wonder the kids are acting up. That’s too much going on. Hope she can get everything figured out, but then, she tends to be so disorganized.”

DO help them to see the supernatural perspective…when the moment is right.

Sometimes we may run into a parent who we know would be amenable to the idea of parenting mortification, but he’s never heard of “mortification” like this. This generation of American Catholics is perhaps the most ignorant of penitential practice ever, and so we can’t expect parents even to know about mortification, much less to have practiced it regularly. When we know someone is a committed, faithful Catholic, and she is struggling with a particular issue, it can help to suggest she offer the distress of that issue for another person in need. Although it may seem counterintuitive, sometimes accepting that suffering and offering it to God as a prayer for someone else in need actually alleviates the stress of the challenge. There’s a sense that someone is doing something – something very real indeed – for the good of another. This act can bring a person beyond his or her own suffering and assist in a feeling of connection with the mystical body of Christ.

This response is unlikely to be the first we offer to a stressed-out, overwhelmed parent. But, when suggested kindly and explained well, it may also be a good response that can be genuinely beneficial.

Example 1.

SP: “The last month of pregnancy is always so hard. I’m just ready to be done, especially with this constant heartburn! How is your other pregnant friend doing? Better than me, I hope?”

CR: “Actually, she’s in kind of a serious situation right now. They may end up having to do an early C-section for the safety of the baby, and she’s really dreading it and also really worried about the baby. Maybe you could offer your indigestion for the doctors to decide she can go full-term and for the baby to be OK.”

Example 2.

SP: “I’m beginning to feel like my wife will never be intimate with me again. She’s still complaining of pain from her incision site for the C-section, and she’s constantly worrying that the baby isn’t getting enough milk. She hasn’t worn anything other than yoga pants for like a month! What can I do?”

CR: “Wow, that must be really difficult. I know it’s tough when a wife isn’t enthusiastic about spending time with her husband...and that post-partum phase can seem to stretch on forever and ever. Maybe you could offer your frustrations as a prayer for her to heal up well, get some rest, and for the baby to start feeding a little better.”

We are capable of supporting parents! Anyone else have other good ideas?

"Do it again!": On the Apparent Futility of Housework

The books are on the floor AGAIN.

There is a great satisfaction to offering our work to God and doing that work well, especially when we have the opportunity to hold in our hands the nicely painted piece of art, the well-written essay, the beautifully crocheted blanket, or the finely built table. Even without the attention and compliments of others, the material evidence of our time and efforts makes the work we put into a project rewarding. It tends toward a natural sort of contentment when we see the results of our work and know we can enjoy it for days, months, or even years to come.

Not every task offers us such a natural enjoyment and satisfaction of a long-lasting job well done, however. As parents, there is always plenty of housework, yard work, fix-up tasks, and household organization. Young children are often messy and sometimes careless, and even with our best efforts to teach children to clean up after themselves and participate in household chores, we parents will find ourselves immersed in a constant battle to keep our living environment under control!

Granted, maintaining a household well can indeed provide a certain amount of satisfaction. It is nice to see a sparkling, freshly-mopped kitchen floor, accompanied by gleaming counters and shiny appliances. It is lovely to survey a well-organized, picked up, dusted, and vacuumed living room. It can be a relief to organize hand-me-downs in labeled boxes and switch over clothes for winter.

And yet, we know from experience that such contentment is short-lived. The grass keeps growing, the rocking chair keeps breaking, tub scum comes back, the baby pulls the books off the living room shelving, and the kids inevitably spill smoothies on the freshly mopped floor. The laundry is never done. In moments of discouragement in our lives as parents, we may be tempted to see such work as completely pointless and worthless. And it doesn’t help that these kinds of domestic tasks are not valued in our society. When we could be producing something beautiful and meaningful, who wants to devote time to work like wiping down the refrigerator shelves or picking up shoes?

It is precisely this apparent futility of housework that makes it so valuable as a parenting mortification. The lack of natural satisfaction, due to the temporary results of our work, becomes a challenge we can embrace to die to ourselves and grow closer to God. As adults, we can have great control over our living environment. But as adults with other people (who happen to be young children!), we will not have complete control. We never know when we might walk into a bathroom to find the sink has been “painted” with toothpaste by a toddler. Much of the housework we do is simply to restore the house to the state it would be in if we didn’t have children!

From a supernatural perspective, the gift of this seeming wasted work of domestic life is twofold: it teaches us detachment, and it increases our appreciation for the supernatural reward of our labors.

We have probably all had the experience of being proud of our hard work and not wanting to let go of it. The reality of housework is that we must humble ourselves, so that we are constantly letting go of it, or else we risk being constantly angry with those little people who thoughtlessly destroy our hard work. There is nothing wrong with reminders to our children that we have worked hard to do some chore; we want them to recognize that the laundry does not do itself, the dishes do not clean themselves, the shoes do not magically walk over to their assigned boxes, and the sand toys do not find their way home to the sandbox of their own accord. We also want them to participate in household chores so that they recognize that running the home is about teamwork. The home is not merely a place for mindless consumption of others’ work, but rather a place where all members produce, contributing to the good of the household.

But at the same time, we must recognize that there will be more ironing, there will be more smudges on the windows, there will be more leaves in the yard, etc. Why should we constantly expect material affirmation for our efforts? What good does such attachment to the results of our work do for us spiritually? It is better, rather, that we embrace the fact of the ephemeral nature of the results of our work, becoming detached from the clean floors and folded laundry in a way that opens us to become better attached to that which is eternal, namely God.

Such detachment should not lead us to neglect the necessary tasks of running a household, but rather to keep them in perspective.  We sort through socks not so that they can stand enshrined in a drawer as a monument to our work, but rather, so that we can serve our family and offer that work to God. We scrub the slow cooker crock clean not so that we can display it to the world as a feat of our elbow grease, but so that we can earn treasure in heaven. In other words, the apparent futility of housework does not have to be futility; rather it can assist us, hastening us in our way to God.

Yes, it is understandably frustrating to see the newly-mopped floor covered in muddy footprints. We may get angry when a child pulls every shirt out of a full, well-organized drawer. But again, while we want children to be considerate of others’ efforts and we may lose time in having to redo tasks that we’ve just completed, the repetition of housework has great possibility as a mortification. We can almost hear God kindly but enthusiastically encouraging us, “Do it again!” the way that a child might ask us to read the same book over and over. And each time we “do it again” we can do it better, and by that, I do not mean simply perfecting our natural skills, but, more importantly, perfecting our supernatural skills. We can die to self each time we “do it again.” We can offer it as prayer each time we “do it again.” We can grow closer to God each time we “do it again.” We can build up treasure in heaven each time we “do it again.”

This work may seem menial and discouraging in the context of a busy household. But it is not so in God’s eyes. He invites us to “do it again” each day because He recognizes its potential for our good. If we also can humbly recognize that potential, we will “do it again,” better each time!

The Big Picture: Living in the Moment, Dying in the Moment

(Sometimes you need a photo so you don't forget that moment...)

One of the aims of parenting mortification is to help parents keep the bigger supernatural picture in mind. It's so easy in the midst of busy family life to fail to integrate a spiritual perspective. We often tend to let the challenges and difficulties of life bog us down in stress and a sense of failure rather than seeing these challenges and difficulties as opportunities to grow closer to God. The big picture of our parenting - from a Catholic perspective - involves being a part of a narrative that includes creation, the fall, redemption through Jesus, and the gift of being able to participate even now in that paschal mystery of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

Just as it is difficult to keep that supernatural big picture in mind when faced by a particular parenting issue, it can also be hard to see the bigger picture as it pertains to the lives of the children we're raising. I still remember the pie chart pictured in one of my pregnancy books from nine years ago. It was entitled something like "The Pie of Life" and highlighted that infancy is a very, very short period in the life of a person, a tiny sliver of the pie chart. We all know that, but it is easy to get caught up in the challenges of the moment and fail to appreciate the brevity of infancy and childhood.

Most of us parents with younger children have probably encountered someone with older or adult children who smiles sadly and says something such as, "It goes by so quickly." In my early parenting years of stress and exasperation, I often secretly thought, "I wish it would go by a little quicker!" The feelings of inadequacy, too much to do, sleep deprivation, etc. combined for a lack of consistent appreciation for that brief period of infancy. Now that I have my fifth baby, and my first baby is now almost nine years old, I find myself nodding in agreement when someone comments about the time going by so quickly. I am constantly mourning the passing of my kids' babyhoods, toddlerhoods, and childhoods.

There are two ways to "live in the moment" when it comes to raising children. The first is problematic: it is the form of living in the moment that is characterized by stress and anxiety: being "stuck in the moment." We agonize over our parenting failures and worry excessively about our kids' behavior. We seek escape from the difficulties and sometimes find it in unhelpful outlets, such as entertainment that involves a screen (television, Facebook, etc.). We feel desperation and lack of energy and turn to yelling, sarcasm, or unkind words toward our children and spouse. With this perspective, everything in the whole world centers on us. We are not living the moment so much as stuck in the moment with a very limited viewpoint. It is a burden to live this way, and a greater burden still because we see no end in sight, no way out of the difficulties and stress.

Being stuck in the moment like that means we are unable to appreciate it for what it is. I've been there, and I now regret it. It goes by so quickly. If I had it to do over again, my early parenting years would involve more smiling and less yelling.

In contrast, living in the moment with a bigger picture means recognizing that childhood is fleeting, that the "slice of infancy" in the pie of life is very, very small for each one of our children. Living in the moment with the bigger picture, allows us (usually) to laugh off the totally irrational toddler tantrum in response to being denied a popsicle for breakfast. It enables us to treasure the nighttime wake-ups snuggling with a newborn and to enjoy the early wake-up call from a kiddo in fuzzy footsie monster pajamas. It helps us to appreciate the chaotic family dinner with spilled drinks, rice on the floor, and recaps of the day at school or trip to the doctor.

Keeping the bigger picture in mind can be a powerful aid for parenting mortification. If we can truly live in the moment (rather than being stuck in the moment), we can also better die in the moment. We can die to ourselves, embracing the sacrifices and challenges of parenting knowing that these particular difficulties will not last forever. These are opportunities given to us in the present day; these little mortifications are ways of loving God now, at this moment. We are given by God these little people with their own minds, their own wills, their own souls. They are sometimes silly, sometimes snuggly, sometimes messy, sometimes loud, sometimes rude, sometimes dangerous, sometimes cute, sometimes smelly. God gives us the capacity to love them as they are and to guide them to Himself. It goes by so quickly. Don't miss the opportunity to live and die in the moment.