In Praise of Noise

In our engagement year and the early years of our marriage, my husband and I often had graduate studies work dates at noisy coffee shops. He always settled into his work immediately, voraciously reading his assignments for the next class. I, on the other hand, had to dig out a pair of earplugs from my bag before I could hope to have a chance of concentrating on Thomas Aquinas or Karl Rahner. 15 years and six kids later, I recently found myself working on a book review at a cafe, and I was delighted to discover that I still had a functional pair of earplugs in my bag! In fact, I needed them. I would have been headed to a quieter spot soon if I hadn't found them.

A few years ago, an older, childless friend of mine dropped in on our family in the morning of a non-school day. Four of my kids had been quietly, and with great concentration, playing with Legos at the dining room table for an hour or so. My friend and I were chatting away when a fight broke out over who was using what brick for what purpose, etc. My attempts to diffuse the situation were ignored, the loud argument resumed, and I eventually went back to talking to my friend. Rather than responding, however, she interjected, "I can see you LIKE noise! It's not even bothering you!"

I know she wasn't trying to offend me, but, well, I was offended, especially when she blamed it on my midwestern upbringing, suggesting that most parents on the East Coast know how to raise their children to be quiet. Apparently, I was doubly guilty, for being immune to noise and not successfully teaching my children always to be quiet. Ironically, I felt I was constantly reminding my children to be quiet! And I often found the noise of the household overwhelming.

Who enjoys the sound of squabbling siblings or demanding children? Who likes to hear a newborn crying to nurse or a toddler throwing a tantrum about being served milk in the wrong cup? Who wants 24 hours in a pediatric ER, listening to various children screaming in nearby rooms as they undergo painful bloodwork and medical exams? Do parents look forward to the sound of obnoxious, blasting teenager music or the grade schooler learning to play clarinet? No! We never set out to have a noisy household. And yet, we can  accept it as part of our lives right now. It is a mortification, an opportunity to die to ourselves and offer to God a sacrifice of our own personal preferences.

Silence has long been praised by Catholic spiritual writers, and it remains a popular topic today as well. "Noise," however, has been expanded to include technology encroaching into our daily lives. This means that busy Catholic parents can now be scolded for being too tied to their phones, despite the expectation from schools, health providers, coaches, etc. that they always be available. Even with the increasing demands on our time, we busy parents often seem to be blamed for not being able adequately to prioritize our prayer life, which would be exhibited in quiet holy hours and silent retreats. And yet, while spiritual writers continue to emphasize the necessity of silence, very few offer to jump in and babysit for six kids, do three loads of laundry, help with homework, drive kids to basketball practice, and make dinner, such that this hour of free time would be possible on a daily basis.

Perhaps it is better for busy parents to look to someone like Fr. Walter Ciszek for inspiration. In his books He Leadeth Me and With God in Russia, we find the description of how this Polish-American Jesuit priest found himself condemned to hard labor in a Siberian prisoner camp in the mid-20th century. He had very little "choice" when it came to his daily activities of digging ditches or shoveling coal. He had no say in when he woke up or had meals. And yet, he did not give up his Catholic spirituality or Catholic priesthood in these circumstances. He found ways to offer his hard labor to God and even to minister to people by giving retreats, based on the Spiritual Exercises, while people worked. Fr. Ciszek didn't allow his situation to prevent him from seeking out and serving God.

Our situation is not really as dire as a Siberian labor camp, and yet, we too often find circumstances out of our control. As parents, we constantly find ourselves unable to follow the schedule we would like, and even when we try to organize our day to prioritize prayer, it may not work out. For example, I recently missed my planned daily Mass to take my five year old son to urgent care for staples in his head. As caretakers of children, we often can't control our circumstances. Thus many of us might benefit from the words of Fr. Jacques Philippe:

"We often live with this illusion. With the impression that all would go better, we would like the things around us to change, that the circumstances would change. But this is often an error. It is not the exterior circumstances that must change; it is above all our hearts that must change" (Part 2, 8).

Thus if we have faith, we will see that God can reach us even in such imperfect circumstances:

"They will see that many of the circumstances that they thought negative and damaging to their spiritual life are, in fact, in God's pedagogy, powerful means for helping them to progress and grow...However many imperfections we may have, rather than lament them and try to rid ourselves of them at any price, they could be splendid opportunities to make progress -- in humility as well as in confidence in God and his mercy -- and thus in saintliness." (Part 2, 8.).

Of course, we can continue to recognize the value of silence for the spiritual life, especially looking for the opportunity for our own personal times of prayer. But if a silent retreat seems out of our reach, or an hour of adoration seems impossible with the demands of family life, we should not be hard on ourselves. In humility, we can see that the willingness to embrace the noise and give up the silence can also help us to grow closer to God. In short, here are three points of summary:

1. Silence is a good, and rightly praised. We should regularly re-examine our lives to determine if there are ways to fit in times of silence for personal prayer. I have great admiration for my friends who commit to a 4 a.m. hour of adoration or prioritize a half hour of quiet mental prayer before the kids awake. If we can make time for silence, we should.
2. Noise can be embraced as a sacrifice. We don't have to like noise or grow accustomed to it in order for us to grow from it. But the constant noise of family life will benefit us most spiritually when we consciously offer it to God as a sacrifice that we are making to do his will. Noise might be part of God's pedagogy for us. Despite the tone of some spiritual writers, we are not inferior Catholics if we find ourselves unable to prioritize times of silent prayer. Rather, God might want to teach us how to find him in the midst of noise and chaos. He may desire an increase in our humility, recognizing the failures of our parenting and the need for greater dependence upon him.
3. Our circumstances can and will change! Especially as parents of young children, our circumstances are constantly changing. We may be able to prioritize silence and silent prayer at certain times of our lives, though not at others. If we hold onto the value of silence, we can more willingly offer noise as a sacrifice and look forward to a time when silence is a better possibility for our lives.

Advent Opportunity

It’s that time of the year again, where friends, family, and stores are full-swing in the Christmas spirit. There is much to celebrate about an increasingly secular culture where people nonetheless throw themselves into a holiday that is centered around the birth of Jesus Christ. This time of the year provides more material reminders of the holiday than any other, from songs to trees to lights to to cookies to nativity sets. Even those who do not honor the “reason for the season” seem to be a little kinder, a little more generous, and a little more cheerful in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Given this, it can seem particularly ironic when faithful Catholics try to direct focus back to the penitential and preparatory season of Advent. Instead of focusing on the thorn – the loss of Advent in our culture – why not simply acknowledge the rose, which is the increasing attention given to Christmas?

Looking at this as a simple either/or dilemma, however, does not really provide a solution in terms of the practicality of how Catholics choose to live in those weeks leading up to Christmas. We lose out on something if we disdain those who put their trees up on Thanksgiving and refuse to attend Christmas parties that happen during Advent. In particular, we may give the impression that we are “anti-Christmas.” But we also lose out on something if we ignore the liturgical messages given to us during Mass throughout the season of Advent and instead act as though the Christmas season precedes Christmas day. Specifically, in losing the preparation, we may also lose the celebration.

There are ways, however, to join in the joy and cheerfulness that we see around us while also practicing the preparation and reflection characteristic to the season of Advent. Advent has long been considered “the little Lent.” Like Lent, Advent is characterized by the color purple. It is a color that denotes preparation, but, more importantly, the color denotes penitence. Historically, the Catholic Church at times practiced daily fasting and abstinence from meat throughout the season of Advent. In some parts of the world, Wednesdays and Fridays continue to be days of abstinence from meat during the season of Advent. A century ago, American Catholics were encouraged, although not required, to take up Advent resolutions, much like today’s Lenten resolutions.

It may seem like an “Advent resolution” could throw a serious wrench in an attempt at joining in secular culture’s Christmas cheer. But that doesn’t have to be the case…in fact, penance has long been associated with supernatural joy. And with the effervescence of Christmas spirit surrounding us, it is possible to gain much by practicing a bit of penance in the midst of this season.

Just as Lenten resolutions center around the traditional triad of almsgiving, fasting, and prayer, so also for Advent resolutions.

The practice of almsgiving asks us to sacrifice our own desires and needs in order to give to others. In the season of Advent, we are surrounded with invitations to partake in this kind of giving. We can support national organizations, such as Catholic Relief Services, which does amazing charitable work around the globe. Local Catholic Charities also provide tremendous resources to the community. The parish food pantry or other parochial ministries are great opportunities for almsgiving as well. Many parishes have giving trees, sandwich-making drives, and the like that can become part of our Advent.

Beyond these established organizations and ministries, we might also use the season of Advent to pay more attention to others around us, rather than getting lost in our own plans. We are often unaware of the many needs of friends, family, and acquaintances who are right in our midst. Advent is a good time to write a letter to an elderly family member, take a meal to the mom of a new baby, or visit someone who is sick and homebound. For those of us with kids at home, this almsgiving of time may seem impractical or even impossible. But there are other opportunities as well. For example, Advent may be the time to save a parent a trip by offering to take his child to and from sports practice. With a little creativity and increased intention to the needs of those around us, we can find ample opportunity for almsgiving.

Fasting, as mentioned above, used to characterize the season of Advent, as it did Lent. Our Eastern brothers and sisters in the faith continue to practice a Philippian fast (beginning on November 15^th after the feast of St. Philip) prior to the great feast of Christmas. Most of us Catholics are quite out of the habit of fasting, but, nonetheless, there are some smaller “fasts” we can make in the weeks prior to Christmas.

Some suggestions include giving up sweets, alcohol, meat, or snacks between meals. While reminding us that we are still preparing for Christmas, abstaining from such foods during Advent can help accentuate the joy and celebration on Christmas day and throughout the Christmas season. For those that dread the long season of Lent, note that the season of Advent is much shorter than Lent! Of course, we may find ourselves in situations, such as Christmas parties, where we are expected to partake of celebratory food and drink. One way of addressing this is to select the cookie we least desire or limit ourselves to only one drink.

Like Lent, Advent is a great time to renew our prayer life. In particular, during Advent we might spend time reflecting on the coming of Christ: in his birth in Bethlehem, at the end of time, and in the Eucharist. The daily Mass readings for the season of Advent are rich in meaning. The “O antiphons,” featured in the traditional song “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” also inspire a sense of desire and anticipation for Christmas. The nightly lighting of an Advent wreath, marking the weeks with the three purple and one pink candle remind us that we are still waiting for Christmas. Those who pray the Rosary regularly may benefit by focusing upon the joyous mysteries during Advent.

There are times where we may feel overwhelmed by shopping and wrapping, cleaning and cooking. But these acts, too, can be occasions for prayer if we choose to make them so.

Finally, one of the best ways to prepare our hearts for the celebration of Christmas is to partake in the sacrament of Confession. The penitential acts of identifying and confessing our sins may be the most important preparation for Christmas, and the grace received during absolution will surely be one of the best Christmas gifts we get. During the weeks leading up to Christmas, there is much that we have to do, but in the end, we have to remember that we aren’t ultimately responsible for Christmas happening. It is a gift that we can receive, better or worse, depending upon our preparation.

So, as Advent begins and continues alongside the already happening Christmas celebrations, let us do our best to live Advent well. Such a commemoration of this season will not only prepare us for Christmas day, but also contribute to the joy we see around us.

Loving Spouse and Children...at the same time!

Living with the imperfections and idiosyncrasies of one's spouse can be a challenge. But sometimes another difficulty arises, namely, trying to be loving and attentive to one's spouse while also being loving and attentive to one's children.

We often hear presented a dichotomy of priorities: Kids first, spouse second! Or: Spouse first, kids second!

It makes sense that these options are presented in such a manner inasmuch as parents often experience a real conflict in being attentive both to a spouse and to kids. The first camp will argue that that kids are more evidently needy than one's adult spouse. The energy we put into caring for our kids is likely much more than we dedicate to caring for a spouse, who can eat, bathe, dress, etc. without assistance. Our kids' dependence upon us makes them our first priority.

The second camp will say that family life cannot succeed if the parents fail to prioritize the marriage relationship itself, between the husband and wife. The kids are important but should come second to the spousal relationship. In case of a conflict, attentiveness to the needs of the spouse should win out.

As mentioned above, such a dichotomy indicates a real challenge that parents face: to love spouse and children at the same time. And yet, this presentation can be quite misleading.

Spousal love is the foundation of marriage; family is built upon this relationship. Children follow upon this love; we can even say they are incarnations of this love. Spousal love precedes the love for one's children, and it should not be cast aside or demoted when children make their appearance.

Yet at the same time, we have to acknowledge that the acts of love that characterized courtship and early marriage become more difficult when children are present. The diversion of finances to support children can prevent indulging a spouse in filet mignon, fine wine, chocolates, and roses. The relaxed quality time together becomes rarer. Opportunities for physical affection and intimacy become harder to find. The effort of serving children by caring for them can drain a parent of the effort required to serve the spouse as before. And in the midst of the numerous challenges of parenting, such as sleep deprivation, having your belongings destroyed by kids, being insulted by your kids, and so on, it can be hard to remember to appreciate your spouse verbally in compliments and kind words of affirmation.

Clearly, then, we are presented with the challenge of loving our spouse and our children at the same time. It cannot be an either-or, wherein we focus solely on our spouse and ignore our children or focus entirely on our children and ignore our spouse. The situation may often appear to us as imperfect. A spouse may arrive home from work with big news to share just as a child vomits on the floor. The baby may wake up for a feeding just as you and your spouse finally sat down to start your game of Scrabble. Your romantic anniversary dinner may be postponed due to a trip to the emergency room for a broken arm. It may seem that children are interfering with the relationship or intruding upon the marriage relationship.

Yet the apparent imperfection of the situation seems to be God's will: the spouse is a gift, and so also children are a gift to the spouses. And if God wills it, we must find some way to embrace the challenge. Here's where mortification enters the picture: loving both spouse and children at the same time will certainly require a death to self. If we accept the opportunity to die to self, God will give us the grace to love spouse and children as best we can.

To be more practical, here are a few ideas to ensure that we do our best with this situation:

1. Because kids are needier than the spouse, it is easier to neglect a spouse. Therefore, it will be important to make an intentional effort to love and spend time with the spouse. Daily practical efforts include remembering a morning kiss and hug, pouring the spouse's coffee, getting out of bed on time to make sure the morning goes smoothly, putting down a tablet when the spouse enters the room, and so on. Ensuring an opportunity for conversation on a daily basis is also helpful. On a weekly basis, it is beneficial to have some set aside time without kids - a date night, for example. Of course we want to love and be attentive to the spouse, but consistency in effort to these little acts can become a mortification, where we have to put aside ourselves in order to love a spouse well.

2. When it comes to spending time with a spouse, don't let the best get in the way of the good. We often have an easy time envisioning an ideal:  a romantic, week-long trip to the Caribbean with no kids or a three-course meal at a fancy French restaurant. Upon recognizing that these ideals are not possible, many respond by giving up and doing nothing to spend time together. It is often possible, however, to come up with another option. A regular date night may appear impossible with multiple young children who are difficult at the time you'd be leaving them with a sitter; going out later would mean being tired and unable to enjoy the meal. And the cost of a nice weekly dinner out may be unrealistic. But what about Saturday morning breakfast, when the kids are better-behaved for the sitter, you are both wide awake, and you can get a bagel or pastries with coffee and not spend too much money? It may be a far cry from the luxuries of courtship. It may not be the ideal; it may not be the plan for quality time 20 years from now. For the present moment, however, it is better than not doing anything together. Working with the current situation while maintaining flexibility and the possibility of reevaluation can also be a mortification; we may need to kill our ideas of "best" and recognize that what is actually "best" at this time is sticking to something that is possible.

3. Caring for children is a way of loving a spouse. Time spent with children should not be viewed as set against the time spent with the spouse. When a parent cares for children well, with love and attentiveness, he or she is loving a spouse through this service. Sometimes, this is obvious, like when one gets up early with the kids so the spouse can catch up on sleep. At other times, this truth is not as apparent. Nonetheless, parents do the best they can caring for children and performing other work in order to contribute and serve the family as a whole. The children should not be seen as "mine" or "my project." Whether father or mother is interacting with the children, the sacrifices involved are not simply for the sake of the children themselves, but for the marriage. A parent's time spent at work earning money can also be seen as a way of loving one's spouse. With this perspective, it is important to work well, for the sake of the family, and also to work efficiently (not wasting time) so as to maximize presence and contributions to the home.

4. Because loving spouse and children at the same time can often seem difficult or even impossible, it is important to make a frequent examination of one's efforts. Spouses can benefit from reflecting on existing problems, such as being too busy to have time for each other or letting screens interrupt opportunities for conversation. Accompanying this examination is a willingness to change, even when it is difficult.

5. Of course, even with the willingness to change, failure is imminent. The demands of parenting may make it difficult to be loving and kind to one's spouse. After a hard day with kids, it can be challenging to be attentive to conversation. With the touch-time required by toddlers and infants, it may be hard to attend to a nightly spousal holding time or even to remember a goodnight kiss. As with any failure, however, parents have to be willing to try again, seeking the sacrament of confession regularly for support in the struggle.

6. It is a challenge to love spouse and children simultaneously. To meet their needs, to be affectionate, etc. Rather than cursing this challenge or regretting the situation, however, we are best off embracing the difficulty. It is a mortification; it requires a death to self and dependence on God's grace to do one's best when conflict ensues.

7. Keep the big picture. In the beginning of the marriage, the home began with the husband and wife. Eventually, it is likely that the children will leave and the home will once more consist solely of husband and wife. It may seem so far off in the future as to be inconceivable, but this is the normal course of marriage and family life. With this end in mind, it makes sense to maintain and strengthen the marriage relationship, the friendship between husband and wife. Retrospectively, all those sacrifices embraced in the midst of parenting will make more sense; they were helping all along to help husband and wife to grow in the generous gift of self.

It can be frustrating, and even discouraging to try to love and attend to a spouse and children at the same time. And yet, it is a wonderful opportunity to realize our limits and weaknesses, to embrace the challenge as a mortification, and to beg God's grace to help us to do the best we can to love him and serve him in this situation.

Labor and Delivery

Parenting mortification is all about taking the difficulties of parenting and embracing them as opportunities to die to self so as to grow closer to God. Perhaps no opportunity for mortification stands out so poignantly as that of giving birth. For women, it usually involves discomfort or - perhaps more accurately said - intense pain. For men, it often involves feelings of powerlessness. For both moms and dads, childbirth can be scary, and even with the anticipated joy of a sweet babe, it's not, well, super-fun. Or, as I said, after my most recent delivery, giving birth "is not my fave." And I should add that I had really fantastic midwives, a great hospital, a wonderful waterbirth and excellent support from my husband and my sister (who is also a midwife). Even with all that, childbirth is still not one of my favorite things to do.

Despite that, I have found it to be a good opportunity for mortification. Although I'm proud of my pain tolerance, I don't particularly like the pain of labor contractions. Since I don't like that pain, but I know I have to go through it, I've made an effort with each of my labors/deliveries to identify some very special prayer intentions, whether people that I know personally who are in need of particular help or situations in the world where I've felt otherwise limited in my contributions to help. It's been beneficial for me to consider these prayer intentions prior to labor and delivery, both for reflection and also because sometimes in the midst of labor it's difficult to think clearly about such things. The discomforts of pregnancy are also great opportunities to pray for others by offering those little sufferings; the discipline of trying to do this (rather than just complaining) is a good preparation for childbirth.

When a painful labor contraction is about to hit, if it's possible, I try to call to mind one of the prayer intentions, offering the pain of that contraction. Thinking about the intention can be a good distraction, or, at least for me, it makes the discomfort more meaningful. The pain is not being wasted, but rather is helping others in need, as well as helping me to grow closer to God by embracing suffering, as did Christ when he embraced the cross.

Letting Go and Fostering Independence

We hear a lot these days about "helicopter parents" and the younger generation that take their parents with them on their adult job interviews. Although I don't tend toward helicopter parenting myself, I can easily identify with these parents because, well, I love my kids. I like being around them, and I even enjoy taking care of them (most of the time, that is). I admit I get sentimental when I give away a bag of my kids' outgrown clothes or review old baby photos. I'm constantly telling my kids that they do NOT have my permission to grow up.

But they keep doing it anyway. An obviously important part of parenting is to foster independence in our children: "to give them wings," as my mom always said. The risk of giving our kids wings is that they may fly away. But let's not forget that this is ultimately what we want. We want them to exercise their freedom well, to grow in responsibility, maturity, and sanctity, even if that means they do fly away from us.

Fostering independence and letting go may not seem at first glance to be a parenting mortification in the way that things like sleep deprivation or getting insulted by our children certainly constitute real parenting challenges. Nonetheless, fostering independence and letting go require the same sort of sacrifice in that they demand a constant supernatural narration that looks at a bigger picture than simply the moment at hand.

Let's get practical here and talk about young children. They start off as babies and need you to do everything for them. Then they start to get older and want to do things for themselves. It may sound great, but anyone who has been running late and waiting waiting waiting for a child to put on his own shoes know that it's not always a great thing for a child to exercise independence. Patience is certainly a key virtue to exercise when we seek to foster our children's independence. The fact is that it is easier, faster, and much less messy to bake cookies without the help from a 2-year old and a 4-year old (see photo above). It is easier to toss a child's socks in a clothes hamper than to track him down and encourage him to do it. It is simpler to clean up their messes, and when company is arriving in five minutes, perfectly advisable.

The rest of the time, however, we have to be willing to address our own impatience at children's ability (or lack thereof) to help in the way we want them to do. It is a mortification, a death to self, to delay the timeliness of our own tasks in order to involve kids in a way that fosters their independence. Especially in a busy household, the extra minutes it takes can seem to last much longer than they actually do.

From a natural perspective, however, the results of parental impatience are easily seen in our culture today. There are parents who complain that their middle school children take no responsibility for their homework; these are sometimes the same children who turned in perfect school projects in elementary school because their parents had taken control and done it all for them. There are busy parents who find it faster to throw their toddler's dirty clothes into the hamper for them, only to realize when the child is eight that she now expects the parents to do it all for her.

If we want to foster independence in our children, we have to encourage and accept their help even when it is really not all that helpful...and often even when it is an inconvenience. Embracing this sacrifice helps our children in multiple ways. It allows them to take responsibility for their actions and belongings. It helps them to feel that they can contribute to a household. It enables them to express their freedom and individuality rather than feeling constantly constrained by controlling adults. It forms them in good habits as regards work ethics. All of these skills will aid children to grow in virtue and holiness because really, we parents can't do that all for them.

When we think about letting go and fostering independence from a supernatural perspective, we see that it certainly can be a beneficial parenting mortification. If we can accept letting go and fostering independence as a sacrifice, we can die to self by relinquishing our own desires to control our children as extensions of ourselves. We admit to ourselves that we don't really choose their talents, their interests, or their future careers. We can't predict or dictate every parenting situation that might arise.

This simple act of letting go can be a great reminder that ultimately we are not in charge, we are not in control; God guides us and challenges us. We respond in the most loving way that we can in order to serve God, even if that means letting a daughter put up homemade (dumb) "Halloween decorations" in the front yard or letting a son "clean up" his spilled smoothie by smearing it in a six foot radius. At the moment these things may be an embarrassment or an inconvenience, but in the bigger picture, the larger supernatural narrative, they contribute to the child's growth and our own growth that comes from making the sacrifice.

We can thank God for opportunities to work on our impatience with our kids as they seek and struggle to learn how to do things on their own. We can thank God for using our children to remind us that growth is a continual process, for us as well as for them. We can ask God to help us give our kids wings, so that they can fly to God in whatever they do...even if that means they fly away from us.