Don't Let the Best (or Worst) Get the Best of You This Lent

As parents, Lent can be really tough. First, there's trying to fast on Ash Wednesday. As my daughter said to me, "Wait, that means you'll be fasting...and yelling at us!" It is hard to fast when you are simultaneously taking care of little people. At least when one is surrounded by adults, there is a standard of behavior that can win out even when one is feeling hangry.

Another thought that makes Lent tough on parents is the memory of past Lenten resolutions. It was somehow easier to take on those heroic Lenten penances when it was just you, spending your time how you wanted, choosing to go where you wanted, when you wanted, and to eat whatever you wanted, when you wanted. Now as parents, there are so many restrictions on us. The fact that I haven't set a morning alarm in 13 years is one indication of that. As if I ever decide when I'm going to wake up for the day!

If we aim to choose the "best" Lenten resolution by basing it on what our childless friends are doing, or based on what we've done in the past, we may be setting ourselves up for failure. It is preferable to choose the "better," more practical Lenten sacrifice than to choose the "best," which may prove impossible. We don't want our mortifications to mortify those around us, especially our children. It's ok, and even good, for them to see us struggle with abstaining from things we'd like to eat, or directing money from minor indulgences toward the poor, or sticking to our prayer commitments even when tired. But it's not ideal to fast every day, and then yell at them because we can't really handle it.

Life is already hard, every day, for parents trying to do their best. There are abundant mortifications, unchosen penances that fill our day. Because of that, we may also feel like Lent is a year-round season for us! It's fantastic if we can use those daily sufferings as penance, offering them up as mortifications that help us die to our own selfish desires.

My first child was due on Easter Monday, so those final days of my pregnancy coincided with Lent. I remember glaring at my husband when he asked what I was "giving up" for Lent. "Let's see, I've given up my physical comfort, my sleep, my normal eating," blah, blah, blah. I included all the expected gripes of a woman in the final trimester of pregnancy. Sometimes, as then, life feels hard enough to make Lent seem like an unnecessary add-on.

Does parenting often feel challenging? Do these struggles appear to have no end in sight? Don't parents already have far more mortifications than the average person? Absolutely, yes. It is normal and fine to recognize the difficulties inherent in trying to be a good parent. It's true that our parenting is more often criticized than appreciated.

And yet, we shouldn't let the worst of parenting life prevent us from making Lent feel different to us. There should be some way we can make this season of voluntary preparation and penance feel different. If we can accept that we can't do the "best" penance, we should accept that we shouldn't do the "worst" penance, that is, no particular voluntary penance at all.

Instead, we may be able to incorporate the involuntary mortifications into our Lenten practices. For example, if a teething baby has us awake at night, how about saying one station of the cross every time we are awakened? If we have to take kids to extra medical or dental appointments, why not say the Rosary while we drive? If our pantry is in need of cleaning, why not try the challenge of minimizing food shopping while working through all the food in the pantry during the season of Lent? If we recognize our phone as a distraction, why not put it on grayscale for Lent?

Sometimes Lent seems to amp up the pressure on an already stressed parent, but it doesn't have to be that way. There can be openings to God's grace, whether we do the best, most heroic penance or even if we do the worst (none at all) penance. But if we are willing to forego the best and avoid the worst, making some effort to observe the season of Lent, we invite that grace into our personal lives and, what's even better, into our Catholic homes.

Family-based Lenten Resolutions

Coming up with a good Lenten penance is often challenging for faithful Catholics, including busy parents. We might have high ambitions, but choosing and sticking with a Lenten sacrifice can be difficult. In part, this difficulty stems from the individual nature of Lenten penance as currently practiced. Prior to the Lent of 1967 all Catholics in the U.S. abided by the same Lenten practice of fasting every day of Lent (excluding solemnities, such as Sundays). This provided built-in social support. Lenten resolutions are not meant to be tests of individual willpower demonstrating heroic self-control. A Lenten resolution should be part of the shared endeavor to embrace penance as a preparation for Easter. 

It's not about YOU, but about US, the Church.

Though the Church no longer has the strict Lenten observance that provided unity in penance, the family provides a setting that makes possible the practice of social penance - a penance that is not simply about individual voluntary mortifications, though those are also good! By deciding on and practicing a Lenten penance as parents (or as a family, if you're children are older), parents can promote the idea that penance is not about YOU, but about US and OUR relationship to God. Here are a few suggestions for family-based Lenten resolutions:

FOOD:
Food-based resolutions can be good ideas to implement as a family.

1. Abstaining from meat during Lent (excluding solemnities). This is a traditional Lenten penance still observed in many places.

2. Abstaining from eggs and dairy during Lent. This is another traditional Lenten penance.

3. Abstaining from dining out or ordering in food. This penance might also provide some extra change that can be used in almsgiving.
4. Abstaining from processed foods such as boxed cereal, and replacing it with non-processed or minimally-processed food such as oatmeal.

5. Empty the pantry. Commit yourself to using up as much food in your pantry as possible while simultaneously limiting the food you purchase in your regular food shopping trip. Again, this should provide extra change that can be used in almsgiving.

6. Abstaining from sweets.

7. Giving up certain beverages, such as soda or alcohol, or limiting intake. Possibly even abstaining from all beverages excepting water or milk (and coffee for adults who need it!). 

ENTERTAINMENT/TECHNOLOGY:
Entertainment resolutions can also present possibilities for family-based Lenten resolutions.

1. Abstaining from or limiting time on the Internet, television, games, movies, etc.
2. Consider using the time normally devoted to entertainment/technology for activities like writing letters to people.
3. Not listening to music while in the car.

ALMSGIVING:
The above practices should decrease spending and make possible additional almsgiving. Contributing to the usual Rice Bowl donation box is a good way to indicate to the whole family the monetary result of the above sacrifices.

PRAYER:

Choosing a family prayer practice to add into the regular schedule can also be a great family-based Lenten resolution.
1. Such practices might include praying the Rosary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, attending Eucharistic adoration together, attending daily Mass, reading aloud the daily Mass readings at dinnertime, and praying the Stations of the Cross. For young children, presenting one Station of the Cross per evening and saying an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be before dinner might be the most you can do.
2. A variation of this is to invite friends or family over to pray the Stations of the Cross, followed by a simple meal.
3. (With older kids) As a family, commit to a more regular reception of the sacrament of confession throughout the season of Lent.

WORKS OF MERCY:
Depending on the age of your children, you might want to consider the possibility of donating your time as a family to a charity, e.g. volunteering in a soup kitchen. There are other ways to engage directly in the corporal and spiritual works of mercy; be creative. You may be able to take a meal to a family mourning someone's death or to visit a homebound elderly friend, for example.

SPRING CLEANING:
"Spring cleaning" can certainly be a mortification, and Lent also presents itself as an ideal time to have family members clean out their rooms, go through their clothes and their toys, and donate or get rid of items they are no longer using. Lent is a good time to take on home-organization tasks that might involve the family. This cleaning can also be a helpful metaphor for the preparation undertaken for Easter.

FINAL CONSIDERATIONS:
1. There are many other possibilities for family-based mortifications, such as lowering the temperature of your water heater or thermostat.
2. Make sure that you and your spouse agree and have a plan for implementing the Lenten penance.
3. Try to avoid choosing anything that will make life particularly difficult for one particular person in the family.
4. Be willing to reevaluate each Sunday if necessary; don't let the sacrifices make your kids hate Lent. It might be best to change the resolution.
5. Consider the possibility of adding another penance each Monday.
6. Consider taking on your own individual Lenten resolution in addition to the family sacrifice.
7. Remember that your modeling of Lenten penance is crucial. It's ok to admit it's challenging, but complaining or being nasty to your family is not a good witness to the penitential power of Lent. If you recognize that you are consistently failing, reevaluate and choose a different penance.

Prayer that Makes it Work: Voluntary Mortifications

Photo Credit: Damian Gadal

Lent is rapidly approaching, and hence it is that time of the year where we try to think about what we can offer as a penance during these 40 days of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. One of the premises of parenting mortification is that parenting is a blessing because it offers so many opportunities for involuntary mortification. Parents undergo all sorts of difficulties that they would never choose for themselves, but in embracing these challenges, the mortifications become an opportunity to die to self and to live for God, uniting parental suffering or inconvenience with the passion of Christ.

Voluntary mortifications are different from parenting mortifications because, well, they are voluntary! And yet at the same time, voluntary mortifications like those commonly practiced during Lent, are an important training opportunity for parents who strive to embrace the involuntary mortifications that come with parenting.

Prior to the Lent of 1967, Catholics in the United States participated in daily Lenten fasting as their primary penance for the Lenten season. Yes, you read that correctly, Catholics fasted on every day of Lent (excluding Sundays and solemnities). This obligatory fasting has now been reduced to two days: Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Those of us (myself included) who struggle to maintain the fast on those two days may wonder how Catholics ever managed to fast every day of Lent. I suggest two possible explanations.

First, Catholics were much more used to these kinds of mortifications. In addition to the season of Lent, Catholics were required to fast before such big feasts as Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. They fasted an additional four times during the year in three day periods known as Ember Days. They abstained from meat on all Fridays THROUGHOUT the year. Additionally, Catholics were urged to accept and embrace the difficulties of their lives as mortification. In other words, Catholics were trained in the practice of mortification. This is not to say that Lenten fasting came easy, but rather that it didn't come as a surprise. Such sacrifice was simply regarded as a part of the faith. Lent wasn't an isolated season of penance, but merely a heightened season of penance.

The second explanation for how Catholics were able to maintain the fast for all of Lent is rooted in the social nature of the practice of daily Lenten fasting. Every Catholic (aside from a few exceptions with dispensations) was obliged to fast, and so the entire Church fasted together. Rather than being an instance of individual will-power, Lent was a testament to the notion of mutual support and the benefit of social practice.

It is with these two points in mind that we ought to consider our voluntary penances for this upcoming season of Lent, and to view them in relation to the goal of parenting mortification. On the one hand, it may seem that parenting in and of itself provides plenty of penitential sacrifice...why commit to anything else?

In fact, the voluntary mortifications of Lenten resolutions have the potential to assist us in the endeavor of parenting mortification. We give up something we like or we add something (prayer, works of mercy) to our schedule as a penance, which reminds us of our sin and need for God's grace. No Lenten resolution can really make up for our sin, but God accepts any sacrifice that we do because the difference has already been made up through Christ's death on the cross. These daily Lenten sacrifices are akin to the daily sacrifices associated with parenting. If we train ourselves to make little voluntary sacrifices, e.g. no sugar in our coffee, going to bed on time, giving up chocolate, we are also training ourselves to make involuntary sacrifices as well. The opposite may also be true. That is, the better we become at parenting mortification, the better we can become at voluntary mortifications like our Lenten penances. Whether voluntary or voluntary, these mortifications are opportunities to die to self and live for God, growing closer to God and depending upon his grace. They should be mutually strengthening.

Next, it is important to remember the social nature of Lenten penance. Admittedly Lenten resolutions in the U.S. now tend to be a hodgepodge of sacrifices, ranging from giving up Diet Coke to writing a letter once a week. On the one hand, this lack of social support may make it more difficult to keep our resolution, and on the other hand, if we keep it well, it may make us prideful. For this reason, it is good to undertake the season of Lent with the knowledge that, even if it doesn't feel like it, Lenten penance is something we are doing together as a Church. To reinforce this, it can be helpful to try to do Lenten penances in a group. Maybe your family could decide to go meatless for Lent or you and your spouse together give up sweets. Sometimes friends or even parishes can commit to certain things, such as meeting to pray the Stations of the Cross or replenishing the parish food pantry by spending less on your own food. Penance is not intrinsically an individualistic practice, but a social one. We do penance as an act of the People of God, the mystical body of Christ, the Church.

And this is a great reminder for parenting mortification as well. Whenever we undertake the sacrifices of parenting - whether cleaning up vomit, changing a diaper, doing another load of laundry, or reading the same board book for the fortieth time - we are benefiting the Church as a whole, offering a prayer on her behalf for the world. It's true that no one may see us making these sacrifices. No one at the parish will know about them. And parenting can at times feel lonely or isolating. However, if we can make sacrifices generously, we can offer these mortifications as prayers for those in need, whether for people we know who are sick, suffering, lonely, poor or perhaps for all those around the world suffering from hunger or in the midst of political unrest. In so doing, we are connected immediately, involved in that mystical body.

Whether it is the voluntary penances of Lent or the involuntary mortifications of parenting, we are called to a conversion away from the self. We inconvenience ourselves purposely and we accept the inconveniences of parenting because this is what's best for us: to die to ourselves, to live for God, to benefit others, to embrace the cross of Christ with joy and to open ourselves to that grace given so generously to us.